G Callen Doesn't Do Christmas
by Dramamama5
Summary: It's Christmas time again and everyone is gearing up for their holidays with family...except G. Callen.
1. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER** **: I Do not own any of the characters of NCIS LA...**

 **AUTHOR'S NOTE** **: Well, if all goes according to plan, what you read with be the updated version of this story. Being my first story here, I was uncertain how to format it for posting and so... it was a bit cluttered in the reading. I hope that is no longer the case. Thank you for taking the time to read and hopefully, review. Please keep reviews, constructive and kind... even if one finds problems, they can still be kind... Thank you.**

Another Christmas and G. Callen couldn't wait for it to be over. He had never hidden the fact that he didn't care for the holiday…or any holiday for that matter, his birthday included. It wasn't that he begrudged anyone else who wanted to celebrate. They had a good reason to, they had family. Callen had spent pretty much every Christmas since he was 5…alone. As a kid, it was downright painful, watching the foster families laughing, singing, munching on cookies while they opened presents. At times like these he was lucky if he even got to eat at all. Normally he was restricted to his room or he was locked out altogether…and sometimes his only gift was a beating. No, G. Callen didn't do Christmas.

It started every year on December 1st, without fail. Each and every morning was met with another touch of the festive decorations that came with the holiday. Twinkling lights and evergreen garland around every single banister, red ribbons and bows would pop up on the desks in the bullpen, a huge Christmas tree would appear, standing tall, in the middle of the mission decorated from top to bottom. Callen would simply sigh, shake his head and aim for his desk.

Then at the end of every day, he would drive home and find house after house trimmed in lights with a tree lit in the window and the occasional inflatable Santa and Frosty sitting in the yard. But not his house… his might actually be the only one on the block that was never touched by the "magic" of the holidays. He never decorated outside or in. He didn't answer the door to carolers any more than he did for Trick-or-Treaters, in favor of sitting on his bedroll reading his favorite novel or contemplating his next move on the chess board… After all, G. Callen didn't do Halloween and he didn't. do. Christmas.

Truth was, Callen tried to avoid all conversations that had anything to do with the Christmas holidays. In the beginning, he would leave as soon as the day was done while everyone else talked excitedly of their plans. He knew, if he stayed around to chat, that the inevitable mercy invites would start rolling in.

He couldn't avoid Sam though. Sam would start right after Thanksgiving and wouldn't quit until Christmas Eve, asking him to come for Christmas dinner at their house. He even went so far one year as to have his daughter, Kamran, call him and ask if "Uncle G" was coming to see what Santa brought her. That did nothing but earn Sam a glare from Callen and a lecture from Michelle about using his daughter to force his partner, his "brother", into something he simply wasn't comfortable with.

Then there was the Christmas celebration work party that Callen ducked out early to avoid every year since the team came together, until Hetty made it mandatory.

That was last year, and Callen wasn't happy. Sam, as it turned out, wasn't happy either. He was too busy looking for some robotic horse for his daughter. It had been sold out everywhere and according to Kensi was THE toy of the year… whatever.

Callen just snickered and walked away. So much to do about something so simple… until Sam threatened to tell his daughter that it was Uncle Callen who had failed to get her the biggest request on her list. Sam hadn't noticed the hurt look that flashed across his face at the thought that Kamran would think he had failed her in some way. No, all he saw was the famous G. Callen smirk that lead into an even more dangerous threat of him calling Michelle and telling her what Sam had just suggested. Even Deeks and Kensi had scolded Sam for it.

In the end, Eric saved the day when he came up with said gift and gave it to Sam at the party. Callen knew they worried about him and it bothered him as much as it annoyed him. He wished they would accept the fact that Callen simply didn't do Christmas.

He did try, though, for their sakes. Maybe not at first, but as the team really started coming together and getting closer, he would try to be involved. Once everyone started giving him a gift each year, he decided he would have to buy each of them one in return. He couldn't possibly accept theirs any other way. He drew the line, though, at any extra get togethers or parties. G. Callen didn't do parties and he didn't. do. Christmas.

After another month of decorations and Christmas songs all over the radio, unwelcomed attention, and eggnog, here they were on December 24. They were just finishing up their final case of the year.

All they had to do was go back to the mission, clean up, have their little get together and then everyone would be free to go. Sam would go home to his wife and kids. Kensi and Deeks would go home and spend the day together being stuffed with all the food their mothers would insist on cooking since neither woman would give up the kitchen. He figured by now that Eric and Nell were probably also spending the holidays together as well. Then there was Hetty… and Hetty would do what… well, whatever Hetty did. No one really knew WHAT Hetty did once she left work.

Then Callen would finally find peace from all the craziness of the past month. That's what he told himself. But before any of this could happen, he had to make a stop for Hetty on his way back to the mission. Callen had driven that day so Sam had decided to head back with Kensi and Deeks. Traffic was crazy and he didn't think he would ever get back.

As he walked into the mission long after everyone else should have arrived, he was surprised by how quiet it was. As he walked down the hallway and entered the main room he looked around. The only lights still on were the Christmas lights strung throughout and the Christmas tree. Everyone was already gone. Callen found it strange that it should bother him so much. He checked his phone for messages but there were none.

He walked into the bullpen and all he found was a small stack of gift cards lying on his desk. No notes… nothing. He slowly made his way back to the locker room and took a quick shower before heading back to his desk to gather his things. With his laptop and cards packed in his duffle he looked down at the bag he had by the desk with his gifts for everyone including Michelle and the kid's. He figured he might as well stop at Sam's and drop their gifts off on his way home. It wasn't much, but he wanted to make sure the kids at least had their presents.

He walked slowly down the hall stopping to briefly look back at all the twinkling lights one more time. They'd be gone the next time he came into work. He had to admit they cast a comforting glow on the normally chaotic space. With a sigh he flipped the switch that turned them off one last time and headed out.

About a half hour later he pulled into the driveway of his best friend and partner. He sat for a moment looking up at the house. They too had their Christmas tree lit and sitting in the picture window. He expected nothing less from the big guy. He loved the holiday. Sam loved anything that meant family time. He was happy for him. Callen knew all too well how lonely it was without family. Though he would never admit it. He was glad that they all had family to be with. He climbed out of the car and grabbed their packages and headed for the front door. He paused briefly before ringing the doorbell. He knew Michelle would insist he come in for something to eat. She knew he never kept food around at home and that meant most of his meals were fast food.

He also knew that he would politely decline with one excuse or another. He didn't want to interfere with their family time. Sam saw enough of him at work and deserved at least a little time where he wasn't in the way. His family deserved to have some time with their dad and husband alone.

He waited and when no one answered, he knocked. "Maybe the doorbell wasn't working," he thought. Still no one came. "Sam hadn't mentioned going out of town. Then again, they wouldn't leave the Christmas lights on if they were leaving home for long." Now what was he supposed to do? He looked at the packages and decided he'd just have to wait and hand them out late. If this was Sam's way of tricking him into returning Christmas day, he had another thing coming.

Resigned, Callen trudged back to his car and headed home. He couldn't figure out why he felt so lost at the moment. Why did he feel so disappointed and hurt that they hadn't waited for him to get back to the office? That's normally what he longed for, wasn't it? After all, G. Callen didn't do Christmas, right? Right.

Callen slowly weaved his way through the streets leading up to his house. He couldn't help taking notice of all the lights that lit the now darkening yards. It really was almost magical. Not that he believed in that kind of thing. Why hadn't he noticed just how nice it all looked before? He pulled up to his garage and turned off his car. He sat a moment, contemplating this melancholy mood he found himself in. Usually, he was glad to finally be home and away from the craziness of his team and their incessant Christmas banter.

He grabbed his duffle and the packages that would be left unopened now until after the New Year and headed for his front door. As he approached the walkway, he felt the all too familiar prickle on the back of his neck when something felt wrong… out of place. He set his bags down and looked back towards the road and around the yard while feeling the comfort of his gun tucked in at his lower back. Something was off and he couldn't figure out what. It was then that he noticed the soft glow of light coming from inside his house through the shade of his front picture window.

Gun now drawn, he unlocked and slowly opened the door. He didn't know what to expect as he entered but it certainly wasn't what he found as he stepped into the front room. There, in the corner, opposite his only chair, stood a Christmas tree decorated and lit. He stood there staring at the tree with his brows furrowed in confusion and thought…"who breaks into your house and puts up a tree?" Figuring it was safe to put his gun down, Callen tucked it back into its holster at his back as he closed his door and walked slowly into the room.

After a moment his eyes were drawn to a big red bow. There, hanging above his fireplace, hung a picture. Upon closer inspection he realized it was a picture of the entire NCIS team including himself. At the bottom of the picture, engraved in the frame was the word, FAMILY.

It took a moment before Callen felt the tear that ran down his cheek and quickly swiped it away. Family… G Callen didn't have family… at least that's what he always told himself. He looked down on the mantle where he kept his tea box holding all things precious to him and noticed smaller picture frames scattered next to it on either side. One held a picture of Gibbs and Abby Sciuto. Another was a picture of Sam, Michelle, and the kids and still another held a small drawing he knew could only have been done by one Kamran Hanna.

He didn't know how long he had been standing there just staring at those pictures when he heard the sound of carolers outside his door… Sighing, he stood there debating whether to even go to the door. "Why not", he thought.

He slowly opened the door and there standing on his front lawn, belting out the sounds of the season, stood his entire team. Callen stood there watching them as they sang their hearts out, all the while wondering to himself, "when did this happen? When did THIS motley crew become a family?" What started out as just another Christmas to be avoided or at the very least tolerated, became something more…maybe, just maybe, G Callen DID do Christmas…


	2. Chapter 2

**DISCLAIMER** **: I own no part of the characters from NCIS LA … the story on the other hand... mine**

 **AUTHOR'S NOTE** **: Take two of the original story. Again, being my first story... I'm just going back and tidying up the format and a few errors. I do hope I caught them all this time. If you are just reading this for the first time... Thank you! I so appreciate all the Favorites, Follows, and of course, Reviews. I treasure those... Please feel free to add to those reviews!**

Callen stood there as they sang their collection of songs. They liked to sing… Hetty encouraged team building events once a month and Karaoke was a favorite. He shoved his hands in his pockets as he leaned against the door frame listening and watching. He listened as Sam and Aiden attempted a Christmas rap song. He couldn't help but chuckle at the antics of Eric and Nell with their red noses and antler ears as they danced to Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. Then there was Deeks, wearing elf ears and Kensi who joined them in what appeared to be an effort to reenact the 12 Days of Christmas while the others sang. He dared a glance in Sam's direction when both of them rolled their eyes at the spectacle. As their last song came to an end and they took their bows, some more dramatic than others, the brief smile slid from his face replaced with a slight tilt of the head as he chewed nervously on his lower lip. He folded his arms across his chest as if it would save him from the emotions which assailed him. Finally, he moved forward while searching for something…. anything to say. This was all new to him. He wasn't sure of the protocol of such things. Callen was completely unaware that he wasn't the only one who was nervous. They had really taken a chance doing any of this. Invading G. Callen's space was a dangerous thing. Making eye contact was a struggle that he forced himself into as he looked across the faces in front of him. Finally, he spoke, much to the relief of his visitors. "Thank you", was all he said. It was simple in its delivery, but never had two words said so much.

It was then that Kamran came running to give Uncle G. a big hug, which was gladly returned. Slowly the others made their way to the porch.

"I'd offer you something to drink… but I don't have anything." He offered with a slight pause before continuing, "I wasn't exactly expecting company." Callen wanted to invite them in but remembered that he had none of the comforts you would normally offer a visitor…. like chairs to sit in, food to eat, drinks.

As if picking up on the awkward silence, Aiden spoke up, "no worries Uncle Callen, we've got it handled. We brought cookies, hot cider and cocoa."

Callen looked up at Aiden and then to Michelle, "You did, huh? Seems you thought of everything."

Michelle smiled as she gave him a brief hug while whispering in his ear, "That's what family is for." Then taking Kamran's hand, followed the others into the house leaving Callen alone as he looked out across the now quiet neighborhood. 'There it was again…. that word….FAMILY' He thought. "Why?" he whispered into the darkness as he let out a soft sigh.

"Why, what?" came a familiar voice from behind.

Realizing he wasn't alone, Callen cleared his throat as he reigned in his emotions before turning to meet his partners gaze. "Hey, Sam" he greeted.

"Hey, yourself…you okay?" Sam asked slightly concerned at the distant look he saw in his friend's cerulean blue eyes.

"Yeah, I'm fine" came the automatic reply.

Sam had honestly expected no other reply. Callen's definition of 'fine' was something very different from everyone else's. "You sure?" Sam asked skeptically.

Callen flashed him a half smirk as he rolled his eyes and replied, "Sam, I'm fine." There was a brief pause and then Callen added in an effort to deflect attention off himself which Sam was quick to catch on to, "So, when did you decide you could rap?" he teased.

Sam took the bait willingly, "Really? At least I don't think I'm Bruce Springsteen."

"What do you know? Next thing you know you will be trying to convince us you are LL Cool J." Callen tossed back.

Sam was thankful for the familiar banter. He knew this little 'experiment' had the potential to blow up in their faces. Callen didn't like being crowded on a normal day, the Holidays made it 10 times more difficult… this year seemed to be even more so than usual. He knew something was bothering the younger man but as yet had been unsuccessful at getting anything out of him. Over the past month he had seemed to grow more and more distant. The fact that G. was still standing here with all the commotion in his house was surprising in and of itself… he wouldn't push… not tonight.

Sam chuckled, "Shut up, you're just jealous of my talent."

Callen rolled his eyes as he looked back out into the darkness for a moment before turning back, "yeah, that's it, I'm jealous, Sam".

If Sam had paid closer attention, he might have seen the sadness that flashed in Callen's eyes and heard the truth that hid itself in his sarcastic reply.

Instead, Sam wrapped his arm around Callen's shoulders guiding toward the front door, "yeah, okay, what say we go grab some goodies before my son and Deeks eats them all. I'm telling you, Aiden has an appetite that doesn't quit".

As they entered the house, Sam headed for the kitchen to grab his cookies and cider. Callen chose to hang back and watch the others. He couldn't help but feel almost out of place in his own home… no 'house' he corrected himself. The definition of home equaled family… FAMILY. 'damn' Callen sighed as he ran a hand over his weary face and around to rub the ache in his neck….

"He looks so lost. You'd never guess he was in a room filled with people who know and love him. It's enough to break your heart" Michelle said as she handed Hetty a hot cup of cider.

She would have preferred a nice spiced chai tea but sipped the cider gratefully. "There are times I fear Mr. Callen will never truly trust anyone enough to believe they could ever really love him." Hetty sighed sadly. "One of my greatest worries has been that he will grow restless and leave. This, here", Hetty stated indicating the house, "and the team is the longest he has stayed anywhere. I had hoped with the fond memories, though brief, he had as a boy in this house that he would finally settle in… but he hasn't. Not here and I fear, not even with his team"

"Never say never, Hetty" Sam said with a smile as he placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

Sam knew Callen held a special place in Hetty's heart… everyone knew. "Oh, Mr. Hanna, You know me, I never give up on those I care about. That doesn't, however, mean I don't worry. Look around you. In the time he has lived here, he has yet to buy one more piece of furniture or decoration. The cabinets… even his refrigerator are all but empty. He has done nothing to grow roots here."

"You know, she has a point, Sam" Michelle stated. "Aside from that tea box, his chess set and bedroll, all he owns of any importance is in his bag. He could pack and be gone in five minutes max."

An awkward silence filled the space as they contemplated the prospect that after everything, they had all gone through together, Callen could still simply slip away and disappear never truly knowing what he meant to everyone around him. It's never ceased to surprise Sam that Callen could be so oblivious to how they felt about him. It angered him to think of all that must have happened to his friend and 'brother' to make him feel so unworthy of anyone's love and friendship. "Well, THAT's not going to happen." Sam stated matter of factly, "He pulls that and I will find him, drag him back, and beat some sense into him."

Hetty hinted at a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes, "Let's hope it doesn't come to that. However, if we don't convince him soon, we may just lose him yet. I think you should know, Sam, Director Vance has informed me that another agency is once again courting our Mr. Callen."

"Who?" Sam demanded, his voice tight.

"He wouldn't say and Callen hasn't accepted as yet and Leon would like to keep it that way. I had hoped this evening would help convince Mr. Callen how very much he means to us and that he no longer needs to keep running."

"Why would he want to leave?" Michelle asked.

Hetty looked up at Michelle as she placed her empty cup on the counter. "It's simple, really. When he first agreed to join NCIS he warned us that he worked alone. It had taken me years to find Clara's son and here he was, grown and following in his mother's and grandfather's footsteps. He was and is a great agent. We were lucky to have him as part of our agency. For a while, all was fine. As time moved on, I saw the loneliness. He avoided any and all contact with the other agents. He refused any attempt at relationships. I grew more and more concerned for his future. It is easy to lose yourself in the job fighting for everyone else's safety that you forget to live a life of your own. I didn't want that for him… Clara wouldn't have wanted that for him. He needed a family, something to ground him. So, I decided to give him one. It was then that I hatched a plan for this team."

"I get that Hetty, I do. Still, I don't understand. Why would he leave now? What's changed?" Sam asked.

Hetty sighed as she shook her head slowly, "I don't know. Callen has never truly embraced the team as being his, regardless of the fact that he is the lead agent. He told me once that this wasn't HIS team, that he didn't pick any of you. It always comes down to trust, Mr. Hanna, and as we know all too well… Callen seldom allows himself to trust anyone. I would say you, Gibbs and myself are the few exceptions in this."

Sam attempted to gain control of his frustration as he looked across the room at his partner now carrying on a conversation with Nell and Eric, "We have given him no reason not to trust us!"

Michelle took Sam's hand in her own and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "Sam, calm down. You getting angry will solve nothing. Callen has only been courted, he has agreed to nothing, which means he is struggling with a decision."

"What's the struggle? I just don't understand." Sam asked, the hurt evident in his voice.

Hetty gave him a sympathetic smile. "I chose this team carefully and I stand by my decisions. Apart you each have your own stories and struggles but together… together you are unstoppable. Unfortunately, Callen seems to be the only one unwilling to accept that. Since he was a boy, each and every time he found a little happiness it was taken from him. In his mind, it is only a matter of time before THIS is taken from him as well." Hetty motioned with her hands to indicate the room full of people. "My concern is that he might just choose to leave rather than face losing that which he cares for most whether he would admit it even to himself."

They fell into an unsettled quiet as the subject of their concern stood, once again, staring at the new picture that now graced the living room wall.

"Hey, Callen" Kensi whispered as she came to stand next to him. "Penny for your thoughts."

He gave a slight chuckle, "They aren't worth that much, but to be honest, I'm not sure, really." Kensi smiled as she linked her arm through his and rested her head on his shoulder. Callen felt a strange comfort from the gesture. "Nice picture" he offered.

"It is, isn't it? It's a good thing we have Nell. If it wasn't for her love of photography, we wouldn't have anything to show for all the good times we've shared."

"Good times. I love good times!" Deeks interrupted as Callen closed his eyes in frustration.

He liked Deeks but sometimes his energy was just more than Callen could handle. Still, he was a good detective and Callen had no doubt if he every accepted Hetty's offer he would make a good agent one day. Besides that, he was important to Kensi and Callen wanted nothing more than for Kensi to be happy.

"Soooooo, Fern, you about ready to head out?" Deeks asked cheerfully.

"Yeah, let me go tell everyone good-bye and remind them of the time tomorrow." She said as she released Callen's arm. She glanced at Deeks with a nod towards Callen as she walked away.

"uhm, yeah, okay." Deeks replied clearing his throat before turning back to Callen. He shoved his hands nervously into his pockets "Hey, Callen! Great get together." He offered in an attempt to start a conversation.

Callen glanced over to Deeks with his eyebrows raised, "Considering I had absolutely nothing to do with any of it? Yeah, I guess." He replied sarcastically.

Deeks flinched as he once again found the need to clear his throat, "Oh, yeah, right."

"Deeks, what's the matter with you? We've worked together for how long? If I was going to shoot you, I would have done it by now." Callen turned to face him with his arms folded across his chest in annoyance. "If you are that uncomfortable around me, you are free to go. Niceties are not mandatory."

"Right, No, it's cool. We're cool. Look, it's just… I know you don't like our get togethers and all, but both Kensi and my mothers are, as we speak, cooking up a storm at our place. We can't possibly eat it all. So, everyone is coming over for dinner tomorrow and you know, you don't seem to be set up for dinner here and everything will be closed so we'd really like it if you'd come." Deeks finished in a flurry. Callen looked at Deeks as he opened his mouth to refuse the invite. He hated pity and this sure felt like a last-minute pity invite. No doubt, Kensi or Sam put him up to it. Before he could answer, Kensi walked up and took Deeks hand and smiled at Callen. "Dinner is at 1:00, Callen. No need to bring anything other than yourself. Trust me when I say, there will be more than enough to feed an army."

"Kensi, Deeks… I appreciate the offer and all this" Callen motioned to the pictures and the tree, " but as for tomorrow…"

Kensi held her hand up to stop him as she interrupted, "Don't… Don't answer now. Tonight was a lot and you aren't used to it. I get it, believe me, I do… so does Marty. When my dad died, I couldn't have cared less about Christmas. It became just another day of the year. Then I came to NCIS and met all of you and that changed. Slowly at first, but then Deeks came with all his craziness and well, I don't know, I started seeing things differently… Just think about it. We all want you there…"

"Kensi…"

Again, she interrupted, "It won't be the same without you. Just say you'll think about it?"

Callen looked at Kensi before dropping his gaze down to the floor. He shook his head and slowly looked back up until his deep blue eyes were even with her mismatched dark brown ones, which seemed to be pleading with him. He hated the idea of hurting her.

"Fine, okay, I'll think about it… no promises."

"Fair enough", Deeks replied for them both, "Have a good one and hope we see you tomorrow. Either way, Merry Christmas, Man."

Callen smiled in return, though it didn't reach his eyes. "Thanks, Deeks. Merry Christmas". He walked them to the door and watched them walk down his driveway.

They made a good couple. He was happy Kensi had found someone who loved her as much as Deeks did. Finally, someone who wouldn't leave or hurt her. Though if he did, he'd have to deal with Callen and Sam.

Before long, it was Nell and Eric who took their leave, both with hopes of seeing Callen tomorrow. Callen would only smile.

"Hey, G. we're gonna head out. Gotta get the kids home and in bed before Santa comes." Sam said before Aiden jumped in.

"Really, Dad? That's the best you got… Santa?" Aiden grinned as Sam tossed him the keys and told him to take his sister out to the car. "Yes, sir. Night Uncle G." came the reply.

"Good night Aiden, and good night to you Hanna Banana" G said as he gave Kamran a hug.

"Night Uncle G. Will you come to Kensi and Deeks tomorrow, Pleeeease?" she begged. Callen sighed nervously but was saved from answering as Michelle shooed her out the door.

"Sorry about that Callen, but we really do hope you decide to join us. I hear their food is fantastic and plentiful. You could use a few good meals cooked with love." Michelle gave him a kiss on the cheek and a quick hug before he could answer.

"Thanks but tomorrow… I don't know. I feel like I'd be imposing."

"On Deeks?!" Sam exclaimed, "Shoot, he's imposing every day, doesn't bother him a bit."

"Samuel Hanna! You want to end up on Santa's naughty list?" Michelle scolded.

"That depends." Sam grinned as he leaned in to drop a kiss on her cheek before whispering something in her ear that had her face lighting up with a big smile.

She laughed, "you go start the car and check on the kids. We will discuss the rest later.

Sam chuckled, "See ya, G… Tomorrow" he said pointedly. Then turned for the door.

"Callen, seriously, just think about coming. Surely, we aren't that hard to be around," she kidded.

Callen took a step back and looked her in the eyes, "Wait, what? No, it has nothing to do with that…"

"Relax," she grinned, "I was just joking. Look, I know this time of year is hard for you and I won't pretend to understand all the whys of it. But you need to understand something,"

Callen narrowed his eyes as he looked at her expectantly as she continued. "You have spent the better part of your life alone. First it was because it was forced on you by others. People who had no right to do so. Then later it was a way to protect yourself from being hurt again. But Callen, you don't have to do that anymore. You have so many people who love you and need you. Sam? You are like a brother to him. He loves you… and the kids? They adore their Uncle G. You have planted yourself in so many hearts without even trying. You owe it to yourself to open yourself up to it. Think on it. I hope to see you tomorrow. However, if the fates should conspire against us, I put some food in the fridge for you. We can't have you starve." With that, she gave him a smile and a wave, "Merry Christmas G."

"Merry Christmas, Chelle".

Then there was only Hetty. Callen looked at her thoughtfully as she gathered her things and headed for the door. "Well, Mr. Callen. It has been quite the evening, has it not?"

"Yes, Hetty, it has. So," Callen looked at her with a glint in his eye, "whose ideas was it? Yours or Sam's?"

Hetty raised her eyebrows as she answered. "Does it matter? The choice was ours to come or not and we all chose to be here… with YOU, Mr. Callen"

"Why?" he asked quietly. The soft request caught Hetty off guard.

When she looked into his brilliant blue eyes, she saw not the confident agent who was always in control, but the vulnerable young boy so long ago hurt and treated like a throw away. "Why, Mr. Callen? Because we care about you. We worry about you."

Again, Callen asked, "Why? They don't need to worry about me, I can take care of myself. I don't need them to."

Hetty regarded him for a moment, "There is no doubt in anyone's mind that you can take care of yourself. You have done it all your life." She thought carefully about her next words, "I think, what they want you to know… what we all wish you could understand is that you don't have to do it alone anymore."

Callen looked away as he considered what she was saying… he just couldn't fathom it… "They have their own families to worry about."

Hetty looked at him imploringly, "Just when will you realize that you ARE a part of their family… THIS family." She said as she pointed to the picture on the wall. "When Dom died, what did you do?"

Callen flinched at the guilt that he still carried for not getting there in time to save him. Hetty noticed the pained look but continued. "You were there for your team, YOUR team." She emphasized, "You ran yourself to the point of exhaustion when Sam need to run off the anger that was eating him away inside. You watched over Kensi and was there to hold her as she cried over losing yet another special person in her life. You were even there for Eric to talk to in the middle of the night when he couldn't sleep due to the nightmares of that day."

"So, that's my job, Hetty."

Exasperated with his stubbornness, Hetty's voice raised a notch as she answered. "your JOB, Mr. Callen, is to lead them into battle and bring them home safely. What you did was what one does when you care for someone. It's what you do for your FAMILY."

Callen crossed his arms and again chewed nervously on his lower lip…FAMILY. "Hetty, Family are people who are related by blood and marriage. Sam, Michelle and the kids? They are a family. I think it's safe to say that Deeks and Kensi are well on their way. Nell… Eric… they each have family. Even you, Hetty, have mentioned family whether or not you choose to see them. I don't fit any of those scenerios. I'm okay with that… why is it such a problem for the rest of you?"

"Oh, my dear Mr. Callen, so narrow are your beliefs." Hetty looked over at the table which stood next to his chair, "Your epiphyte seems to be doing well. Do you remember what I said when I gave you that plant?"

Callen looked at Hetty with troubled eyes, "You said it didn't need roots but it made it more stable." "Yes, Mr. Callen. Now, I shall leave you with these wise words… we will forget that I found them while looking for cat videos…"

Callen's eyebrows raised as Hetty looked up at the man she loved as a son, with a smile and this time it did reach her eyes, "Regardless, it is no less true. 'Family isn't always blood. It's the people in your life who want you in theirs; the ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who will do anything to see you smile and who love you no matter what.' By that definition, Callen, you have a far bigger family than you realize."

Callen didn't say anything until Hetty was on the front porch and he realized his bag of gifts remained at the door. "Hetty!"

"Yes, Mr. Callen?" She answered as she turned back.

"Would you do me a favor and take this with you tomorrow. It's everyone's gifts. I forgot to give them out before everyone left work today."

Hetty considered him for a moment before she dared to answer, "Why don't you bring them yourself?"

Callen was very good at hiding his torment from others but not Hetty, she could see him struggling with the night's events. It saddened her to realize how something as normal as a Christmas party could cause a person so much pain.

"Please Hetty" he pleaded. With a quiet nod, Hetty accepted the bag and headed for her car. She turned back once more only to see Callen step into the house and close the door behind him as the house fell into darkness. Sadly, she climbed into her car and headed home. Thinking over the conversation and the look in his eyes as he pleaded with her, a tear rolled down her cheek, "Bah Humbug!" she sighed.


	3. Chapter 3

**DISCLAIMER** **: I do NOT own any of the characters from NCIS LA. Unfortunate.**

 **AUTHOR'S NOTE** **: SO, I have decided to go back over this story... as it was my very first fanfiction. It needed a few errors corrected and smooth out the formatting... I think I have it done. I am hoping it is an easier read now that it was spaced out a bit. Although, thinking back... I think I forgot to put the divider in to help show a change in scene. Crap. My apologies if this is a problem. Let me know and I can pop back in and fix that. I do hope you enjoy it. If this is your first time reading it... please consider leaving me a brief note afterwards? I treasure the reviews and I appreciate all those along with the favorites, and follows. Thank you.**

Callen closed the door behind him before turning to lock it and switch off the lights. He pulled back the window blinds just enough to watch Hetty pull away and head home. With a heavy sigh, he allowed the blinds to fall back to the window. That, along with the turning off of his phone, effectively shut the world out… finally. It's not that he didn't appreciate everything Hetty and the team had done, he did… he did. Callen massaged his temples in an effort to ward off the oncoming headache. It was unlikely to help but was worth a shot. He sank down into his one and only chair. Leaning back, he let the multi colored lights of the tree mesmerize him as his thoughts slipped back to Christmases past with his team. In truth, there were few, considering his penchant for avoiding close relationships which would require such commitments. However, they had managed to force the issue the past few years. He could almost hear the echoes of laughter and music from earlier. Why was this year so important? Why push the issue so far? They had to know that it was a gamble. To go to this much trouble for someone who made no bones about not wanting it… why? He shook his head, regretting the move instantly as the ache throbbed menacingly behind his eyes now.

Pulling himself to his feet, he turned the tree lights off. He walked into the kitchen to grab a glass of water. The counters were clean and even the trash had gone out. You would never guess that just a few hours before the house had been bustling with people. No trace remained.

'Why am I so bothered by this?' He thought.

Frustrated and tired and with a full-blown headache, he threw his cup into the sink and headed to bed. He expected little if any relief from his torment. When he did manage to grab a few hours of precious sleep, they were frequently plagued with dreams… correction, nightmares from his past. Tonight would prove no different.

Callen stretched out on his bedroll wishing he could just close his eyes and sleep a dreamless sleep. When he'd awake, Christmas and New Year's would be over and he could just go back to work.

Well, he managed the first part easy enough. The stress of the evening was more exhausting than a deep cover op… at least then he was someone else.

It didn't take long before the dreamless sleep was a thing of the past and his mind was filled with dark reminders of yesteryears. The family that agreed to take a scared 8-year-old boy in at the last minute on Christmas Eve. They pretended to care and was more than happy to keep him, only to do a complete turnaround once they were alone. They gave him some bread, a jar of peanut butter, a couple bottles of water and an old blanket before proceeding to lock him in a dark, cold, wet basement alone. That wasn't the worst. At least he got to eat. There were those that didn't offer that much. There were many whose offerings proved much more brutal.

He tossed and turned while unwillingly and unknowingly letting the occasional cry or plea escape his lips as his mind was tortured with reminders better locked away and forgotten. If only it was that easy. A few hours and a bone chilling scream later and Callen was jerked awake for the last time.

Sweat mixed with tears trailed down his face, stinging his eyes as he fought to control his breathing and slow his heart rate.

Sometimes he wondered why he even bothered. More often than not, trying to get even a little quality sleep was more exhausting than had he just not bothered at all. Pulling himself up off the bedroll, he made his way to the bathroom in hopes that a hot shower would help loosen and relax the muscles that were a tense and painful reminder of his last nightmare of the evening.

He let the scalding hot water run across his shoulders and down his back as his mind wandered back to the mission that created this unending mental torture.

It had been nearly 15 years ago and it still haunted him. He could never understand how people could be so evil, especially to children. After all his years of working with the various federal agencies, this was one of the worst missions he had ever been on and Callen's heart felt the weight of his guilt every year at this time. He should have acted sooner, paid closer attention, he should have saved them, saved them all. The sight of the carnage from that day would be forged in his memory forever.

Callen's thoughts came back to the present as he realized the water was no longer warm. The tension in his shoulders had gone nowhere and the anxiety from the nightmares had now come full circle and what emerged was anger. Anger over the senseless deaths of so many innocents. Lives that will never have the opportunity to reach their potential. Callen's hands fisted with the rage of the injustice done. He shouldn't have lived while they died. Without thought, Callen slammed his fist into the shower tile. Grabbing his towel, he exited the shower not noticing the blood now streaking the wall.

He pulled on a pair of jeans with a blue button up shirt. He walked into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator to grab a beer. 'It's 5:00 he reasoned, albeit a.m. not p.m., but he found he really didn't care. He was surprised, however, to find not only his beer but container after container of food. Michelle had said that they brought some food, but the refrigerator was full, the freezer was packed. He closed the door and looked around the kitchen before opening one cupboard and then another… all stocked with his favorite things. 'Why? What were they thinking? He did nothing to deserve this.' He thought. Frustration and anger seemed to be his only emotions. He stalked from the kitchen to the living room. Once again he was met with an unwarranted kindness. The Christmas tree, the pictures, the food. 'Why?' He grabbed his gun, jacket, and keys, he needed out of there. He needed to think. He needed to clear his head so he could make the right decision. As of now, his head was screaming "Go"!

Without another thought, he closed the door behind him. Jumping into his car and revving the engines, he sped down the road with no destination in mind, only that he needed space, he needed air. By the time he finally stopped driving, the sun had long been up. He looked at his car clock and found it to be 9:30. By now, Kamran would have had Sam and Michelle out of bed, presents opened and they'd be eating their pancake breakfast Sam bragged about making. Deeks and Kensi would just be getting up and no doubt, Deeks would be taking Monty on their morning run. Who knew about the rest? Hetty was probably sipping a hot cup of Egyptian mint tea and reading one of her many novels. At least that's how they did Christmas the few years he'd lived with her at Dovecote.

Until the last few years with the team, those were the only real Christmases he remembered with fondness. He actually got presents those years. Then she'd fix him blueberry pancakes, his favorite, and one tea or another followed by her reading one of her Russian novels to him. He missed those days, before reality came back to remind him that that kind of life was for others. He was the one who saw to it. He was expendable. He risked his life so others could have the happily ever after. Isn't that what Walton Flynn had told him just before he climbed out of Callen's car and walked away? Men like them weren't made for normal lives. They weren't made to grow old.

Callen looked around realizing that for all the hours of driving, he ended up at Venice Beach. He climbed out of his car and headed down towards the beach to walk along the water's edge. The sounds of the ocean calmed him. If ever he needed that, it was today.

After walking up and down the beach several times, Callen finally found a spot to just sit in silence all except the sounds of the surf. The anger began to ebb away for a bit. Now he needed to figure out his next move. As he thought back over the year, he couldn't help thinking of all the times each member of the team had nearly died on cases that were clearly tied to enemies from his past. Enemies from cases they had no part in. Cases, more often than not, he couldn't even talk about due to clearance. Truth be told, they deserved far better. They needed a leader who wasn't distracted by his past, who wasn't a danger to them because of family blood feuds and they deserved a leader who was worthy of a real name, not just an initial. Callen knew if they learned about his mission… if they knew he lived while children died… they'd stop fussing over him and they would be asking him to leave.

He thought, perhaps, that he was ready for a change anyways. This offer came with the ability to go solo…no worrying about getting his partner home to his family in one piece. The big bonus was not having to worry if your partner would stab you in the back, sell you out and leave you to live the consequences of their actions for the next 15 plus years. Yes, the job had some very enticing perks. So yes, maybe that was the way to go. He took the envelope out of his inside pocket and pulled the letter out. He had typed it up and printed it out a month ago. All he had to do was sign it. Sam would be disappointed in him for leaving and probably pissed as hell while Kensi would be hurt and scared. Hetty would be all the above. As for Deeks? Probably relieved. The "wonder twins" would be sad but they'd get over it. Granger would no doubt rejoice just to be rid of him.

Another bonus was that he'd be back to doing deep cover ops again. He liked that. He had missed it. He needed the rush to keep his mind focused on the here and now and not the past.

Callen was so caught up in his thoughts that he hadn't heard the approaching footsteps. So, to say he was surprised would be an understatement. When he didn't answer the call of his name, he certainly made up for it when their hand touched his shoulder. Without thinking and without pause, he grabbed their arm and wrist and flipped them over his shoulder and onto their back with a gun pointed in their face.

"Merry Christmas, Callen," Deeks smiled nervously with hands held open at the sides of his head.

As recognition cut through the fog and cleared his mind, Callen pushed back and up to a standing position while tucking his gun back in its holster. Deeks cautiously got back to his feet, shaking the sand from his shaggy head of hair.

"Callen!" Kensi cried out.

"What the hell, Deeks!" Callen growled, "You should know better than to sneak up on one of us!"

"Dude, firstly, I didn't know you COULD be snuck up on. Secondly, we didn't sneak up on anyone. We have been calling your name all the way down the beach." Deeks replied.

"Are you okay, Callen?" Nell asked worriedly. She had never known him to be so distracted that he didn't notice when someone had entered his personal space.

It was then that Callen turned, noticing Kensi, Nell, and Eric for the first time. No one could mistake the distant look in his eyes…

"What are you doing here?" Callen responded gruffly, failing in his attempt to control his nerves.

"We all decided to meet here for a walk before heading back to our place." Kensi replied. "Want to come with?"

Callen looked out at the ocean then over to Deeks who had just picked up the envelope that Callen had dropped. Reaching out, he grabbed the letter and turned to walk away as he threw his answer back over his shoulder, "No." He folded the envelope in half and stuck it in his back pocket.

"What was that about?" Eric asked no one in particular.

Callen couldn't think of anywhere else to go and he couldn't bring himself to go home and he sure wasn't ready to face the team and Hetty again with all their high expectations that he knew he would only disappoint them on. As he started the car and began moving, he knew where he needed to go in order to find the peace he craved. He pulled into the parking lot and before long found himself on his knees in front of his sister's…or rather "Hannah Lawson's" headstone. He said nothing more than he wished she was here with him. Tears fell down his cheeks, feeling the hurt and anger that seemed to have a grasp on his very soul. As he stubbornly pushed the tears back, Callen remained sitting, now leaning against the stone. The very stone he refused to have changed out for one with his sister's name. He had told Hetty it was because it allowed him to believe she was still out there somewhere just as lost as he was. It wasn't a lie. He had been lied to so many times regarding his past that he wasn't yet convinced that she was truly dead.

By noon, everyone but Hetty had arrived and were spread out across the living room. The tree was lit and everyone's gifts were piled under it. As Hetty finally entered the house, she handed Kensi two brown paper bags, each filled with gifts.

"Hetty, that's an awful lot of presents." Kensi commented as she handed them to Kamran and Aiden to put under the tree.

"They are not all from me. Callen asked me to bring them as I left last evening."

Kamran didn't miss a beat, "Uncle G isn't coming?" Sam and Michelle exchanged a glance before Michelle turned to Deeks, "Marty, would it be okay with you if the kids took Monty to the back yard to play?"

"Oh, right, absolutely! He loves playing fetch."

Once the kids were out of ear shot, Sam looked at Hetty. She looked tired and worried. That was not a comforting thing, especially when it came to his partner. "You get any sleep last night?"

Hetty looked at Sam and smiled sadly. "I did, but I would be lying if I said it wasn't troubled."

"So, he isn't coming?" Michelle asked, her disappointment evident.

"I fear we may have pushed a bit too far last night. There is more to this than we realized."

Kensi and Deeks looked at each other, "Why do I feel we missed something." Deeks said looked between Sam and Hetty.

Sam spoke first, "Callen is apparently thinking of leaving NCIS for another agency."

"Callen's leaving?" Eric squeaked. Nell took his hand, equally shocked.

While the two had little connection with the team on a daily basis other than to update them on case facts, they looked up to Callen… especially Eric.

"When did he tell you this?" she asked.

"He didn't. Director Vance told Hetty that another agency has been after Callen for a while now but made another move just recently. I guess Callen is taking it seriously.

"Hetty? We can't let him!" Kensi pleaded with the older woman before Deeks asked the question they all wanted answers to.

"What agency and why would he even be considering it?"

"The agency name has been withheld. As to the why? I am afraid only Mr. Callen can answer that and he apparently isn't interested in sharing that with us right now. But that isn't what I was referring to, Sam. Something more than this job offer is eating at your partner, Mr. Hanna. Something has to have happened for him to be thinking of leaving, I just can't figure out what."

"Well that explains a few things." Deeks said to Kensi.

"What are you talking about, Deeks?" Sam asked.

"This morning, Eric and Nell met us at Venice Beach. We saw Callen." Kensi explained, "He was completely distracted."

"Why? What did he say?" Sam asked.

Deeks scratched nervously at his head. "Yeah, not much of a talker, our fearless leader." He grimaced.

Nell could see Sam tensing, "We tried to get his attention but he must not have heard us. When we got close enough Deeks tapped him on the shoulder," Nell took a breath when Eric took over.

"He flipped him! He put a gun in his face!"

"He WHAT?!" Sam yelled before narrowing his eyes menacingly at Deeks, "What did you do to him?"

"Me? I didn't do anything more than surprise him." Deeks said.

The worry that Hetty felt before only deepened now with the disturbing news from this morning. Her lead agent was always on alert. No one got in his personal space before he was already aware of it. She had seen him like this only a very few times before. It was when his past had come creeping in to threaten his present. She was normally on alert for such things but this one was taking her by surprise and she didn't like it one bit.

"Dinner's on!" Roberta called from the kitchen. It was a somber parade that worked their way around the dining room table. Dinner proceeded with Kamran chatting away about her gifts. Aiden talked gaming with Eric and sports with Deeks and his dad. Despite the laughter and good food, the empty chair left a very big hole that everyone noticed.

"There's pie and cookies for dessert." Julia offered, to which they all agreed they needed to wait. After the gifts were opened, the kids headed for the door to go play with Monty when everyone heard Kamran squeal in delight! "Uncle G! You did come! I knew you would."

"You did, huh? How did you manage to know something I didn't?" He asked her as she finally pulled back.

"Because I love you and asked you to. I knew you wouldn't make me sad on Christmas." Kamran grinned.

"Never on purpose, bug. Hey, Aiden, Merry Christmas." Callen wished he had felt so certain as Kamran.

"Merry Christmas, Uncle Callen. You missed some great food!" Aiden stated simply after giving Callen a hand shake.

"Yeah, I guess I am a little late. So where is everyone?" Callen asked.

"They're in the living room. They'll be glad you came too. Come on Kam, Race ya!" Aiden yelled as he bolted through the door.

For a moment he paused and watched the kids laughing and playing while Monty chased after them. They were lucky kids to have two great parents and so many people to love them. With a sigh he turned toward the hall that led to the living room. He could hear them chatting. He thought briefly about leaving but knew they had to have heard Kamran shout his arrival.

"You know, they missed you at dinner." A voice startled him out of his thoughts.

"I'm sorry, what?" Callen looked behind him to find Deek's mom, Roberta standing there watching him.

"They missed you being here at dinner. I don't know what is going on, but I do know one thing and that is they are worried about you. You can't leave here and them not know it."

"Yeah, I know." Callen said softly with a resigned sigh before heading down the hall.

They had chosen to wait for Callen to come in on his own. Instead they attempted small talk till they heard his presence at the door. Hetty was taken aback by the dark rings under his eyes and the sad and uncertain look she saw in the normally vibrant blue eyes that now held an almost gray cast.

Michelle could feel her husband tense and squeezed his hand in an effort to remind him to go easy.

Julia smiled sweetly as she crossed the room and gave him a small hug in way of greeting. "Here, let me take your jacket."

He was going to tell her he would just keep it. He wasn't sure the visit would be long enough to warrant it but Julia wasn't waiting as she held out her hand. So, he complied with a quiet thanks.

"Have you eaten?" Julia asked with a smile

Before he could answer, his partner spoke up. "No, I can assure you he didn't." She was already gone by the time Callen opened his mouth to decline.

"Come in Mr. Callen. Sit down before you fall down" Hetty invited.

Again, Callen did as he was told. Truth was, he didn't have the energy to argue. It was quiet for a moment. No one quite knew what to say. Finally, Callen broke the silence, "I'm sorry, Deeks… about earlier. I just… my mind was elsewhere… I didn't hear you."

Deeks put his hand up, "It's cool… I shouldn't have startled you. No worries. Hey, I'm just glad you came!"

Callen never ceased to be amazed at Deeks ability to forgive.

"Want a drink? We've got punch, water, beer…" Before Deeks could finish and Callen could answer, Roberta set a plate, silverware and a beer in front of Callen on the coffee table. Callen looked up, "you didn't need to go to all this trouble for me." He said quietly.

"and yet I did. You look like you could use a meal… now eat! I'm going to help Julia with the dishes and then we will do dessert. I expect that plate will be empty by then?" Roberta raised her eyebrows and pointed to Callen's plate as she looked him in the eye as if daring him to argue.

Callen said nothing as Deeks spoke up instead, "Don't bother arguing Callen. You'll lose. Make the ladies happy and eat their food. It's a win-win."

Roberta stood in the door till Callen reluctantly picked up the plate. With a smile she turned back toward the kitchen.

Sam had to grin as Callen took the first bite, then the second. He hadn't realized how hungry he was. Concentrating on the food allowed him a few more minutes before he had to speak with the team about a few things. Just thinking about it created a knot in his stomach. Slowly he lowered the half-eaten plate of food back to the table. He drank down half of his beer before letting it join his plate, unfinished. He sat quietly, not looking at anyone, collecting his thoughts.

Hetty watched her boy with great concern. Something was terribly wrong. "Mr. Callen. You had us worried. You turned your phone off."

Callen sighed as he ran his hand over his short hair. "We're on vacation, aren't we?"

"Yes, but phones are to be left on at all times in case of emergencies." She replied.

"I… fine. Sorry Hetty." Callen answered.

"What's going on, Callen?" Sam asked. He was truly concerned. It was a rare occurrence to see him so distracted and defeated, "You look like crap, man."

Callen could feel the frustration building already as he stood and walked to the front window. He watched the neighborhood kids out playing.

No one dared speak for fear he might just leave. Finally, it was Nell who asked, "Are you okay, Callen?" Her voice was quiet but still Callen flinched.

"What's going on, partner?" Sam asked when Callen didn't answer.

He didn't bother to turn around but spoke in a voice laced with sadness, "A lot. I've been given the opportunity to join another agency."

Sam and Hetty exchanged looks. "I see, and have you made a decision, Mr. Callen?" Hetty dared to ask, almost afraid of what his answer would be.

"Not yet. I won't lie, I'm considering it." With that he turned back to the center of the room.

"What? You can't just leave your team! We need you here! You're our leader."

Callen looked at Eric. He was a good kid. He and Nell were two of the smartest people he knew. After all, who could make the claim of breaking the internet? He knew Eric didn't see what he did on the team as important. However, if he were to be totally honest, he hated the thought of not having the Tech Twins behind him on cases should he actually leave NCIS.

"First of all, not MY team and before you start, Hetty chose this team. She did a good job. You are some of the smartest, bravest people I have ever had the privilege to work with." He began with a small smile.

Kensi and Deeks cast a look at each other and then to Sam. Compliments were not something Callen threw around lightly.

"As for needing me to lead this team. That is not true. Sam is more than qualified and ready to lead this team and he would probably do a better job." Callen spoke with sincerity.

"No offense to Sam, but this team is number one because of your leadership." Kensi argued.

Callen just shook his head, "You underestimate yourselves. Have you ever considered that maybe we are just that good in spite of me?" He countered.

"Now who's underestimating their worth?" Michelle replied.

"Damn it, Callen! We've been partners forever and now you are willing to just throw it all away, why?!" Sam bellowed.

Callen crossed his arms over his chest defensively. "Trust me Sam, if you knew all there was to know about me, you'd ask me to go."

Sam looked at Callen in total confusion. "What the hell are you talking about? What's happened to make you think we'd just throw you out?" Sam thought for a moment, "After everything we have been through… I don't get it."

"No, you don't, Sam. It's BECAUSE of all we've been through that I'm considering this. It's not the only reason, but it's an important one." Callen looked at each of them as he leaned back against the wall, maybe looking for support, "Just this year alone, nearly all of you have come close to dying in the field… because of me. Either enemies of mine or my parents. This job is tough enough without adding in family blood feuds… that's not even your battle to fight. This job offer allows me to not have to worry about that. I'd be working solo and most often in deep cover ops which would make it harder for them to find me."

"And if they did? Who'd have your back?" Sam demanded.

Callen didn't answer at first. His eyes drifting to the floor so he didn't have to see the disappointment he knew was there in Sam's and everyone else's eyes. "I would deal with it."

"You'd deal with it…" Sam sighed with a nod as he paced to the opposite side of the room from Callen.

"Mr. Callen, why do you insist on turning away the very thing you need most? A family! Your mother would never have wanted you to be so alone. She wouldn't have wanted to see you battle your demons single handedly all the time. You have a room full of people here who want to be there for you. To be your family. Why do you continue to turn them away? They keep fighting for you and you just push them aside!" Hetty said as her voice kept rising.

Callen looked at Hetty, his eyes darkened to a cobalt blue as he pushed off the wall. Nell and Eric took hold of each other's hands. Callen wasn't one to like being cornered. He could be intense on a good day. A day like this could make him dangerous if he felt attacked. They were the innocents in the group, normally protected from the occasional blow ups that were inevitable in any team… especially this one, which dealt with the most stress. They hated when they fought… and right now, they were downright scared.

"I never asked for any of it!" Callen all but screamed.

"No, you didn't, Mr. Callen! Why would you when you are so intent on being alone, afraid to care for anyone or anything!" Hetty yelled in return.

Callen opened his mouth to speak then closed it. It was hard to argue with the truth. "It's easier that way" he said, "no one gets hurt."

"No one but you, Callen." Michelle spoke up then.

Callen's eyes came up to meet hers. The sadness she saw there was heartbreaking, "So, it's just part of the job."

Michelle knew exactly where Callen was headed with this line of thought and she wasn't about to ignore it. "It's the job of every single agent."

Callen was growing tired of the fight. He just wanted to be done before he said something they all regretted. It never ended well for him when he was pushed into the corner and put on the attack. "Yes, in order for those agents with families waiting for them to come home… there needs to be those who don't."

"How selfless of you!" Sam smirked.

"Not selfless, Sam. Realistic." Callen retorted. Why did they have to make this so hard?

"All well and good Mr. Callen, but like it or not you have a family that waits and worries for you! I promised your mother I'd look after you. She loved you! Do you really think she'd want you to be alone your whole life? She and your grandfather would be so proud of the man you've become but…" Hetty didn't get to finish as Callen cut her off.

"Stop! I never asked you for a family or a team" Callen sensed Sam's gearing up to fight. "Don't Sam, just don't…nand Hetty, I appreciate you attempting to honor my mother's wishes. I do. But you can stop because I'm not so sure my mother would be quite so proud of her son any more than you'd want me to lead your team if you knew all the things I've done." Callen's voice hitched as he turned back toward the window, hands shoved in his jean's pockets.

No one said anything for the longest time. Hetty moved toward Callen and reached to touch his arm but Callen pulled back like he'd been burned as he crossed his arms in from of his chest once more.

It was Deeks who spoke next, "What happened Callen?"

"There's the rub with this job. So many things cannot be spoken of… this would be one of those cases. I've been doing this job for a long time." Callen looked at these people sitting in front of him. "longer than any of you, other than Hetty. I've seen a lot of things, done a lot of things all in the name of national security. When other agencies hands were tied, I was ordered to handle it." Callen took a breath and stayed quiet as his mind wandered back through all of those cases. No one spoke. What could they say? Quietly they had all returned to their seats and waited.

Bowing his head and collecting his thoughts, he knew he couldn't get into the nuts and bolts of the case but he also knew there was no way around it. He had to give them something so they would understand why he didn't deserve all their kindness and trust. They needed to know why it was better he leave now rather than later… before any more damage was done.

"There's a reason I don't do Christmas. If you'd just let well enough alone, we wouldn't be here today. You'd all be free to celebrate with your families and each other. You deserve better than to deal with my mess of a life."

"Callen" Hetty started before being cut short when he continued.

"Everyone thinks I hate Christmas because of my childhood." He gave a chuckle, "There's no hiding the fact that it was screwed up and Christmases sucked… all but for the three I spent with you at Dovecote Hetty… and for that, I'll be forever grateful. But as much as that may play a part it's not the reason."

"So why then?" Deeks asked. Callen turned from the window slightly just in time to catch the jab Deeks received from Kensi in his peripheral vision. With a sigh he looked out the window once more but the scene outside slowly faded away to be replaced by something far more sinister.

"I can't tell you everything because this case is about as sealed as it gets and for good reason." Callen turned and went to the chair he had vacated earlier. He sat forward with his head down, "About 15 years ago, I was still with the DEA. We were on a joint task force where I was partnered with someone from the CIA. I can't say where, only that we were sent in on a long-term op with a drug cartel. Skip ahead 8 months, we had what we needed. We went in took out the bad guys and in the process liberated an orphanage that the cartel had been using as a front. The kids lived in fear of these sadistic sons of bitches. Now they were free. During the op I'd spent a lot of time around these kids. They grow on you after a while. There were a few that really got under my skin. Good kids. They deserved far better than life doled out to them. There was this one kid, his name was Daniel and his little sister. Her name was Isabella. He called her Izzy. She was beautiful and he was a great kid. Pain in the butt though, followed me everywhere. Always asking questions." You could hear the light chuckle that moved through the room.

They could see the tension tightening his shoulders. Every muscle in his arms tightened and twitched with anger and frustration. Kensi could feel the pain as it rolled off him. Deeks knew nothing good could come of this but he felt at a loss to do anything. Callen was no longer in that room with them. He was reliving that one moment in time and for every moment he shared he knew there were hundreds more he couldn't and the consequences of that left its mark and they all felt it.

Callen could no longer sit still; the worst was yet to come. He got up and paced. His hands in his pockets to control the shaking. "Finally, the clean up on the case was complete and we were flying out Christmas day. Before we did, I decided to surprise the kids with presents." This took them all by surprise.

So, Callen did, in fact, acknowledge Christmas at one point in time. It came as a sad reality that while he managed to recover from a childhood of miserable holidays, life had continued to throw situations at him that would challenges his ability to move forward.

"I had just pulled up the driveway and was getting the stuff out of the car. I was kind of surprised Daniel hadn't come out to meet me. Little did I know." Callen's voice softened to almost a whisper. His eyes took a faraway look to them as he became lost in the memories. Lost in the moments they could only wonder at while waiting for him to continue.

"It turns out that the drug lord we had taken into custody had found out who I really was and put a hit out on me… but before I was taken out, he wanted to make sure I suffered." He stared out the window lost in this nightmare that continued to haunt him so many years later. His voice was strained and would catch at times as he continued. "I was nearly to the door when I noticed something weird. The door had been blocked from the outside. It was then we heard the explosion. It blew me back a few yards. I had yelled for my partner. When he didn't answer, I turned around to find the son of a bitch pointing a gun at me. The cartel had bought him out. He was the one who burned me… and those kids." Callen shook his head. His voice faltered as he spoke barely above a whisper… as if speaking more to himself than anyone, "The looks on their faces… They were so scared. They trusted me to keep them safe."

The anger that these memories evoked were volatile at best. "I went to try and break the door open but before I could reach the building, he shot me… twice… and left me to die.

Someone found me and got me help. It was too late for the kids… for Daniel and Izzy. They died because of me." His voice was coated in the guilt he carried with him.

"No, they died because of your loser partner." Deeks said.

"Deeks, no, they died because I got involved. If I hadn't paid them any attention… If I hadn't become their friend, then maybe they'd still be alive. That was my mistake, and I'll pay the price for that mistake the rest of my life. It's also a mistake that I will never repeat." There was no misreading the hatred and anger he held for himself. What happened that day had changed him and broken his heart.

"What happened to your partner?" Eric asked quietly. Called turned and the look in his eyes was one they had seen only one other time… when they went after the Comescu family. There was only one word for that look… murder. He settled his sights on Eric before responding. "THAT is something I can't talk about. But trust me, he won't be making the same mistake twice either." He stated lowly.

Callen noticed the look of shock on each of their faces and it didn't surprise him. He never lost his cool around the team very often. Callen was always in control of his emotions. He had to be for survival sake. He couldn't blame them. They were seeing the real him for the first time. This wasn't even half of it. The missions he had been on over the course of his career, the missions that were black ops, the ones that didn't exist… those were the missions that would turn their stomachs if they knew what had been required of him. Those were the nightmares he dreaded. Still, soon those shocked looks would turn to disgust and he would be asked to leave. That was fine, he had his resignation signed, sealed, and ready to be delivered. He reached into his back pocket and pulled out the envelope and looked at it a moment as if contemplating his next move. He looked up at Hetty and for just a second, he truly believed that the old woman knew exactly what was in the envelope. He handed it to her as he turned toward the door….'damn, he didn't have his coat and had no idea what they did with it. He liked that jacket.' He thought to himself.

"What is this, Mr. Callen?" Hetty asked, watching his movements carefully.

"My resignation. I can't work here anymore" Callen stated matter of factly, not bothering to look at her. He started walking to the door. There was really no reason to stay for the argument he knew was to come.

"Well, I'm afraid I am unable to accept it." Hetty stated plainly.

Callen spun on his heel to face her. "Why not?" he asked.

"Because you have not given sufficient reason." She knew she was pushing buttons that would threaten to escalate his anger and frustration… but she was hoping it would also keep him there if only for a little while long so they could try and change his mind. The team would never forgive her if she just let him walk away without a fight.

"I've not given suffic… Hetty, I'm compromised!" Callen yelled. He wasn't done. If Hetty wanted reason, he'd give it to her. "I warned you when I came to work for NCIS… no partners! You didn't listen. I said NO TEAMS, but you forced it!" The only other time Callen had ever dared yell at Hetty was when Grace Stevens had come to town… it seemed like a lifetime ago now. The rest of the team held a collective breath. "I tried to keep my distance but you stuck your nose in it… you always do." Callen finished, the anger rolling off him in waves.

"Mr. Callen!" Hetty warned.

"What! What's the matter, Hetty? Am I being insubordinate? So, fire me! Either way, I'm leaving! I cannot do this job if I have to worry about everyone."

"Do you seriously think you are the only one with enemies?" Sam stated, "We all have enemies. They could come at any time. Should we all have to face them alone? Because if that's what you are saying, you're wrong!" Sam was again on his feet. "You are so damn stubborn! Always have to go it alone. You weaken the team when you go lone wolf. We worry about you and that puts all of us at a disadvantage."

Callen dared to look Sam straight in the eye as he answered. "All the more reason to leave." Callen stated plainly.

"So, you're running. Forget trusting us to have your back. Is that it?" Sam roared. "Do you think for one minute that if you resign, we'll all magically forget and not worry after you? Do you seriously think you'll not worry about us? You're fooling yourself. But hey, if you're set on taking the easy way out then go…" Sam finished. It was a scary move to give him the option to run. Callen was no coward, quite the contrary actually. He hated putting anyone in harm's way, especially if it was because of him. Sam was banking on Callen's pride to keep him from leaving without a fight.

Callen stopped just short of the door. It would be so easy to just walk away right now. Perhaps "easy" wasn't quite the right word… but for all concerned it would be the best course of action he could take. He didn't, however, take lightly to anyone calling him a coward.

"Damn it, Sam! Don't you get it? I was responsible for those kids! I was responsible for their safety and I let them down! They died because I couldn't keep them safe!"

Kensi gave a small sigh of relief. She was sure Callen was simply going to walk away. She was glad to see he was willing to continue to fight. "You'd been shot, that's not your fault. Why are you taking the blame for something that was clearly your partners fault?"

"Not my fault? Really Kensi? I was their only line of defense against those people. They trusted me to keep them safe! I failed! That's on me. He didn't care. He wasn't there for the kids, I was!" Callen was torn between punching something or leaving, as was his plan originally. Kensi walked towards him slowly as his shoulders began pulling back with tension as he felt her presence. Every muscle in his back rippled with tension. She wanted so badly to take him in her arms but she feared if she touched him he'd run and if that were to happen, he would become a ghost and they'd never find him. It was then she felt Deeks hand on her elbow, stopping her from getting any closer.

"You didn't know your partner was dirty." She said as she backed away.

At this point Callen was only just holding it together. His hands were balled into tight fists. "I should have, that's my job." His reply a mere whisper as his anger morphed into a barely controlled rage. "I should have noticed the signs. It's not like it's the first time I'd been betrayed by a partner. I let myself be distracted and I lost my focus! If I hadn't… If I'd kept my head in the game… I could have stopped him before it got that far." Not able to control himself any longer, Callen gave into the rage and slammed his fist into the wall. The sudden move made them all jump. Callen stood there, head tilted slightly to the side, just looking at the hole he'd left. He'd have to pay to fix it… but it was worth it. A temporary relief settled over him. It wouldn't last long, but for the moment... he'd take it.

Sam stood back and watched his partner imploding, helpless to know what to do for him. If they managed to prevent him from leaving, he would have to remember to ask him about how many other partners had turned on him. Right now, Sam was mad. He resented Callen's lack of faith in his partner to have his back.

"You loved those kids. You did nothing wrong." Nell said softly. She hated seeing him so angry.

Callen gave a humorless chuckle as he turned back to look at the group. "I LOVED them and it cost them their lives! Why don't you see it? Why can't you understand? I'm not good for you, this team, or anyone else! Everything, everyone I care about ends up hurt or worse, dies. All these years I have tried to get you to see that but you won't stop! I don't do long term relationships. It never works out. You want what I can't give. Why can't you just let me go?"

"Because we love you, Callen" Michelle said. "We can't just stop loving people. It doesn't work that way."

His eyes were bright with unshed tears, "You need to because I can't bear to lose anyone else. I can't, I WON'T, let anyone else I care about die because of me."

"Callen," Michelle said softly as she shot Sam a look.

Sam walked over to his partner and stood in front of him so that he had no other choice but to look at him, "Not going anywhere and neither are you."

"Sam! They died! Because of ME? What don't you understand? This was, without a doubt, my fault! They were just kids! They didn't deserve any of that… they deserved a life." Callen was done… he'd hit his breaking point and was ready to be gone when Sam caught him and pulled him into a hug, sheltering him from the pain if only for a moment.

Sam pulled back but didn't let go, "You listen to me. We've been friends and partners… brothers for nearly 8 years. I've watched you battle your demons alone, because in the past you had no choice. It's all you knew. But no more. Like it or not, you are family to us. You need to accept it."

Callen pulled away from Sam's hold on him. He walked to the window, thinking of what Sam said. "I don't know if I can, Sam. I can't risk putting anyone else in danger because of me."

"Not your choice, brother. You've let us in. There's no turning back."

"Sam's right. You are our children's uncle. They adore you. It would break their hearts if you were to leave… and before you say another word, we trust no one with their safety as much as we trust you. Nothing you have said today would ever change that, because we know you'd give your life if it meant saving theirs. Those kids there that day, Daniel, Isabella. They knew it too. You did nothing that warrants the guilt you have put on yourself all these years. Those kids felt loved maybe for the only time in their short lives. That could never be wrong. In fact, they are lucky to have had you in their lives to fight for them. Your partner on the other hand, deserved everything that happened to him. It's time to let it go, baby. It is time to forgive yourself."

Callen looked into Michelle's eyes. He was amazed that they were so willing to accept him after everything. He couldn't believe that knowing what they knew, they still trusted him with their kids. Michelle could see the turmoil in his eyes. She knew he was taking in what he had been told sensing the battle that raged within. She waited only a moment before she finished what she wanted to get across to him.

"It's time to come home. It's time to heal and let others care about you and love you. It's time to allow yourself to love again." With that Michelle took him into an embrace as Callen finally released the tears that had been threatening since he'd gotten there. He was so sure they wouldn't want him once they knew even a few of his darkest secrets. Once they saw just how flawed he was. Instead they fought for him… loved him. More than anything, they trusted him.

Callen pulled back and looked at Michelle and Sam. He wasn't used to this, he didn't do emotion. The air just seemed sucked out of the room and he couldn't breathe. "I need a minute." He said as he turned toward the door. As he opened it and prepared to step out, Sam stopped him, "Where are you going exactly? You best not be thinking of running. I will hunt you down, man." Callen looked back with a shadow of the G Callen trademark smirk. No, I'm not leaving, not yet anyway. I just need to catch my breath. I'll be back."

Callen leaned on the porch railing as he thought about these people who had been there every step while he recovered from the shooting that left him with five bullet holes. When Hetty left NCIS to go to Romania on Callen's behalf to save him from the Comescu family, this team never thought twice about having his back. They handed in their hard-earned badges to go with him and save her. When he went after the entire clan, they were right behind him. He shook his head at their loyalty. They were there when he struggled after Keelson died taking all his knowledge of Callen with him. When he found Hannah Lawson only to realize he had a sister but she was dead. Once again it was this group of people that kept him from running then. Callen struggled to understand why. He simply couldn't imagine anyone loving him that much.

Hetty sat there watching her boy struggle with the realization that he was loved so unconditionally. She had remained quiet throughout, allowing this wonderful group of friends go to battle for one of their own. For their leader… their brother. She did good choosing them all. They were a quirky bunch and left to their own devices were destined to live broken lives… but together they were a force to be reckoned with. Callen didn't stand a chance against this group. Whether he wanted to admit it or not, they were HIS team.

Outside, Callen turned to watch through the window as Julia and Roberta brought dessert in for everyone. He laughed as Roberta grabbed the whip cream away from Deeks as he prepared to spray it directly into his mouth. The kids had come running in at some point and were busy chatting up a storm while everyone laughed at their stories. Monty walked off with Eric's pie and was quickly pursued by Aiden in an effort to save it. He looked off to the side of the house for a moment as he considered everything that had happened and how truly exhausted he felt by it all. Maybe, maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to stay… for a while anyway. He looked back through the living room window just as Roberta looked up and caught his eye… she held up a piece of pie and a fork and looked at him with eyebrows raised in question. He gave a brief smile and nod before pulling himself up off the railing and went inside.

He walked over and took the pie from Roberta who greeted him with a hug and a pat on the back. Hetty looked on as this man she loved as a son took a seat and started into his pie. She was proud of all he had survived. She knew George and Clara would be equally proud of their grandson and son.

Just then his phone went off. He fished the phone out of his pocket and sighed as he answered. "Yes, director? Yes, I have… no, I've given it a great deal of thought… my decision? Don't you think I should let them know first? Right. Well, then, let them know that I'm not ready to make any big moves at this time… right, thank you Leon… Merry Christmas to you too." Callen disconnected the call and put it back in his pocket before realizing how quiet the room had become. He looked up to find Hetty smiling at him. His eyes had returned to their vibrant blue as he returned her smile, though hesitant at first. "What?" He asked innocently.

"So, you're staying?" Sam asked.

"Yeah, Sam, I'm staying. I'm not making any promises… but I'm going to stay and make a go of this family thing." Callen replied with a smirk.

"Good, I was not looking forward to having to break in a new partner. You were hard enough. Not to mention, you can't go leaving me here to deal with Deeks and his nonsense every single day all alone." Sam returned.

"You know, if it weren't for the fact that I have missed this little bromance you two have going here, I would have taken that as an insult"

Callen and Sam looked at Deeks before giving each other a look that shared a conversation that was only between the two of them. "There you go again with that wordless chatter you two do." Deeks whined. Hetty chuckled as she sipped her tea… today wouldn't fix everything, but it was a start. Christmas would always be hard but at least he would no longer face it alone. His family would see to that.

'…Family is a circle of strength and love, every crisis faced together makes the circle stronger.' (borrowed)


End file.
